the very first time he told me of the depth of love for me. disbelief haunted my mind for ages. i could hardly imagine a 37 years old married man in love with a 19 years old girl yet. was it an infactuation, obession or addiction? no idea as well. thou i was no longer an innocent. but i am after all still a girl, not yet a woman. it eludes me that i am capable of making an older man love me for whom i am. i know i am different from other women but still, we are poles apart. i mean our age difference. & what about your 32 years old wife, whose age was almost on the par with you? don't you love her too? i questioned him. no, that's not love anymore. only duty remains for me.

secretly i had always wondered. how is it that some people will choose to be loved out of duty & humanity? & isn’t it a paradox when they cry because they don’t wish to be loved like so, because it’s painful not to be greatly desired by the object of your affections. but i suppose some concern is better then none; i don’t think i could understand it. i live in love, & i live comfortably. i couldn't understand the pseudo love or rather duty that you seems to mention.

i also cannot understand though, if you’re not passionate for her, then how can she dare to live in this insane fantasy where she delights in an illusion of love? how can she know that she’s deluded, yet be torn apart when the day-dream is over? but then you can tell me that as long as this illusion of hers is real enough for her, then it’s as good as real to her, even though everyone else looking in will say that it isn’t.

i guess as a woman, i do love living in disillusions as well, but i've no problem knowing that they are just that, & no problem coming to terms with things, if i have to.

but perhaps, disillusioning women or her is your best trait. i might be in the midst of being disillusioned by you as well. but whatever it is, at the very least, you consider me more than you consider her. so i guess the love might be bona fide after all. just like mine to you.