there were times when words are hard to come by & blogging becomes tortuous. the few words that littered my computer screen and the post that remained as draft, hanging in the middle of the air. then there are times like today. where i am in the mood to blog, nothing else but blog. it is a nice feeling & the words come naturally. just like now.

the vivid images of our first uncompleted sex came into my mind. it was a day where our relationship took on a different form. it evolved from being a platonic bitching friendship to a sexual affair. i was being lustful on that unfateful day. perhaps, if anything remains as it is on that day, things might have come out differently. perhaps, if i was not the one who initiated it, it would just be a platonic friendship still. perhaps, if he had rejected my sexual advances right on the spot, i would have leave it to be. so many perhaps & so many questions go unanswered. but the inevitable still happens.

i guess the irrational self in me choose not to heed my own morality. my own set of morality that should have been inbreed in me since young. that making love to a married man is absolutely very very wrong. but i guess love or rather lust has no logic after all. i choose to overlook the point of him being married & totally unreachable. & i should be condemned for the very first wrong step i took to entice him, to fucking an old fart in his car. however, the process of fucking him wasn't complete, neither of us felt completed in any sense of the way.

thou nothing is completed during this short span of time, it did led to the beginning of a sexual thought. the blooming thought of a secret sexual affair or fling. from a peanut-sized thought, i never did imagine that it would become full-blown. i guess humans are after all humans. the need for fullfillment is greater than anything else. at that point, nothing ever matters anymore. even for the fact that he's married.

i know i want him.