**again an entry written a couple of days ago & remained in draft till now.

it dawned upon me that i have been having dreamless sleep for a long time, if one month is considered to be so. when was the last dream that i had? or rather, i could not remember any of the dreams that i was dreaming?

during the happy times, i used to dream of different sorts of scenerios happening between us. like a simple date out to the park, with both of us holding hands together & chatting. or a date out at the restaurant, with both of us enjoying our dinner under the romantic candlelight. all these wonderful scenerios formed a daily part of my nights. i dreamt & slept just a little young girl then.

things had certainly changed by now & i can't say that i ain't happy with my current life. it is a normal life - full of love from my friends & family, yet at the same time, i still felt a tinge of loss due to the loss of him. i have gotten used to the current life that i am in right now, being by myself only. are human emotions so transient that i can really forget about our memories & let go of the past so easily & quickly? or is it just a will forced upon myself to deny the fact that i still missed him, willing me to be postive & strong? i guess it's the latter after all.

i thought that i have no pain & no hurt at this point of time. or rather incapable of feeling anything anymore. but i know that it's just a false front that i am portraying to the others. like today, the feelings seem to overwhelm & suffocate me. a phone-call a couple of days ago from his wife brought up all the hidden feelings in me. once again, i need time to smooth down my feelings.

i told her that i am getting fine on my own without him. & i told her that perhaps, my existence was simply meant to be for another reason - to provide each other with companianship when we were at the lowest point in life. & i told her to consider giving him another chance, to try out the marriage once again. i told her not to deny him the daughter that he had, cause' he do love his daughter now.

human mind is just so complex & so difficult to understand. i did that without knowing why.