a visitor to my site dropped me alittle note in my comment box, writing: take it easy gal, maybe it's a chance for you to grow up. no one is perfect & no one can't live without anyone.

the visitor meant well, but for a moment, it really set me thinking about the whole issue. & i have to answer this question inside me: does having this affair enables me to grow up somehow? or does it change my perspective with regards to relationships/affairs? i guess it doesn't. i am still pretty much the same old self, with the same perspectives as usual. nothing changes drastically in my life either. that's for certain.

& i guess growing up is inevitable & throughout every process in my life, i bound to learn different lessons. & i guess this affair did teach me an important lesson as well. sometimes, it's much more better to think with your head rather than let your heart overules. but it's easier said than done, infact.

i defintely felt much better today. much more better than i had been feeling for ages. i hope it does remain as that for the time being. & the images of him would not keep harping in my mind, once again.

**again an entry written a couple of days ago & remained in draft till now.

it dawned upon me that i have been having dreamless sleep for a long time, if one month is considered to be so. when was the last dream that i had? or rather, i could not remember any of the dreams that i was dreaming?

during the happy times, i used to dream of different sorts of scenerios happening between us. like a simple date out to the park, with both of us holding hands together & chatting. or a date out at the restaurant, with both of us enjoying our dinner under the romantic candlelight. all these wonderful scenerios formed a daily part of my nights. i dreamt & slept just a little young girl then.

things had certainly changed by now & i can't say that i ain't happy with my current life. it is a normal life - full of love from my friends & family, yet at the same time, i still felt a tinge of loss due to the loss of him. i have gotten used to the current life that i am in right now, being by myself only. are human emotions so transient that i can really forget about our memories & let go of the past so easily & quickly? or is it just a will forced upon myself to deny the fact that i still missed him, willing me to be postive & strong? i guess it's the latter after all.

i thought that i have no pain & no hurt at this point of time. or rather incapable of feeling anything anymore. but i know that it's just a false front that i am portraying to the others. like today, the feelings seem to overwhelm & suffocate me. a phone-call a couple of days ago from his wife brought up all the hidden feelings in me. once again, i need time to smooth down my feelings.

i told her that i am getting fine on my own without him. & i told her that perhaps, my existence was simply meant to be for another reason - to provide each other with companianship when we were at the lowest point in life. & i told her to consider giving him another chance, to try out the marriage once again. i told her not to deny him the daughter that he had, cause' he do love his daughter now.

human mind is just so complex & so difficult to understand. i did that without knowing why.

i was going through my own blog & realised that i have not been writing much. there were quite a number of blog entries in draft mode - entries that i started but never seemed to finish. this is so unlike me. normally, i am able to write easily. writing about my true feelings had never been difficult. almost without any efforts most of the time & yet, words had been getting harder to form. i can't seem to be able to say anything.

& flashbacks had been occuring lately. not that often but still, it did made an impact on me. how i wished that someday i would be totally immune to our past, carefree like before. i recalled vividly the times when we would enjoy our lunch together. the times when he would drive to my school & fetched me back home. the times when he would spend a few hours solely with me after his work. i love the sweaty smell of him cause' it makes him felt even more desirable. everything had been so remarkably wonderful. i guess that is the beauty of this affair, the caramel coated chemistry that we had.

i do miss him still. even at this point. but whatever i do, there's no turning back anymore. i never regretted the last course of actions that i undertook - by sending a parcel to his wife. i know that my actions might be condemmed by him even, cause' no one would ever understand why i did it. but that's the only extreme course of action that i could make him disappear from my life totally. the only way i could stop my urge of seeing him. the only way i could make him think that i am wicked to the core. the only way all of us could march forward in life. it's for the best of everyone.

i know what i do might not be morally correct, by most people. cause' in the process, i hurt her - the wife once again. but i just wanted to let part of my guilt & temptation dissolve as well. the guilt & the temptation that had been eating me out slowly. his words doesn't matter cause' from the very point of doing it, i know the consequences. the harsh consequences of it all.

i am not an empty-brained doll after all. i just wanted to continue on my journey. without him in any part of my life. in my opinion, this action is correct & it shall remains as correct in my dictionary.

if i were to turn back in time, what exactly would i like to change?

nothing.

there is a reason for making that decision then. for every choice, there will be an opportunity cost forgone. just let it be.

the very first time he told me of the depth of love for me. disbelief haunted my mind for ages. i could hardly imagine a 37 years old married man in love with a 19 years old girl yet. was it an infactuation, obession or addiction? no idea as well. thou i was no longer an innocent. but i am after all still a girl, not yet a woman. it eludes me that i am capable of making an older man love me for whom i am. i know i am different from other women but still, we are poles apart. i mean our age difference. & what about your 32 years old wife, whose age was almost on the par with you? don't you love her too? i questioned him. no, that's not love anymore. only duty remains for me.

secretly i had always wondered. how is it that some people will choose to be loved out of duty & humanity? & isn’t it a paradox when they cry because they don’t wish to be loved like so, because it’s painful not to be greatly desired by the object of your affections. but i suppose some concern is better then none; i don’t think i could understand it. i live in love, & i live comfortably. i couldn't understand the pseudo love or rather duty that you seems to mention.

i also cannot understand though, if you’re not passionate for her, then how can she dare to live in this insane fantasy where she delights in an illusion of love? how can she know that she’s deluded, yet be torn apart when the day-dream is over? but then you can tell me that as long as this illusion of hers is real enough for her, then it’s as good as real to her, even though everyone else looking in will say that it isn’t.

i guess as a woman, i do love living in disillusions as well, but i've no problem knowing that they are just that, & no problem coming to terms with things, if i have to.

but perhaps, disillusioning women or her is your best trait. i might be in the midst of being disillusioned by you as well. but whatever it is, at the very least, you consider me more than you consider her. so i guess the love might be bona fide after all. just like mine to you.

there were times when words are hard to come by & blogging becomes tortuous. the few words that littered my computer screen and the post that remained as draft, hanging in the middle of the air. then there are times like today. where i am in the mood to blog, nothing else but blog. it is a nice feeling & the words come naturally. just like now.

the vivid images of our first uncompleted sex came into my mind. it was a day where our relationship took on a different form. it evolved from being a platonic bitching friendship to a sexual affair. i was being lustful on that unfateful day. perhaps, if anything remains as it is on that day, things might have come out differently. perhaps, if i was not the one who initiated it, it would just be a platonic friendship still. perhaps, if he had rejected my sexual advances right on the spot, i would have leave it to be. so many perhaps & so many questions go unanswered. but the inevitable still happens.

i guess the irrational self in me choose not to heed my own morality. my own set of morality that should have been inbreed in me since young. that making love to a married man is absolutely very very wrong. but i guess love or rather lust has no logic after all. i choose to overlook the point of him being married & totally unreachable. & i should be condemned for the very first wrong step i took to entice him, to fucking an old fart in his car. however, the process of fucking him wasn't complete, neither of us felt completed in any sense of the way.

thou nothing is completed during this short span of time, it did led to the beginning of a sexual thought. the blooming thought of a secret sexual affair or fling. from a peanut-sized thought, i never did imagine that it would become full-blown. i guess humans are after all humans. the need for fullfillment is greater than anything else. at that point, nothing ever matters anymore. even for the fact that he's married.

i know i want him.

being the other woman was never what i expected to be. & my image of a boyfriend that i mapped out was someone who would probably be in his early or late twenties, single & love me for just the way i am. simply not someone who's almost twice my age, married for close to 7 years, with a 3 months old baby daughter in tow & looks almost like an old fart. no, it couldn't be possible at all. but i guess life often consists of unexpected circumstances. i did fall in love after all. & from then on, there's no turning back anymore. do you know that everything in life happens for a reason. thou, i have yet to figured out the reason for this but i know i will eventually.

this story of us begins from this particular song - where'd you go from fort minor. the song goes like, where'd you go? i miss you so. seems like it's been forever. that you've been gone. thou this song seems so simple but it makes me nostalgic for all my past. thinking back, this is the very first song that he shared it with me & he says that the image of me flows in whenever he heard this song. from then on, this song becomes his specified ringtone for my hand-phone number. perhaps, love had already started blossoming in me at that point of time. yet i choose to deny the fact. for the only simple reason; our age difference.

our age gap is a fact that cannot be changed. & i briefly recalled our first meet-up at starbucks. the horrendous feeling of meeting someone who's twice my age & thus, i tried different means of hiding my awkwardness beneath a veil of childish & weird talks. at one point in time, i even waved my piggy-lookalike handphone up in the air. i guess i must have looked like a complete idiot to him. the strange looks of the others on me made me awkward. cause' i wasn't comfortable out with an old fart. after all. it's my very first time.

sometimes, love is just so strange. it could just sparks off from a simple episode. just like that. & continue on without anyone knowing. my life is just so drama-mama.

this will officially be my first writing here. it is to serve the purpose of allowing me to express myself - my highs & lows - the emotional journey that i had travelled to arrive at what i'm today. i know what i've been through is probably very insignificant to the world at large. cause' it doesn't stop the world from spinning but it did stop my world from spinning regularly & correctly. & thou the sun still rises in the east but to me it is a different sun.

i guess from every perspective, i'm still a very fortunate girl & rightly so, i should be savouring on what i have in life instead of pinning for something that never truly belongs to me in the first place. however, life is just so contridicting at times. my rational being tells me to move on in life, to forget about the existence of the very person who hurt me. but somehow, i'm still entangled in the web of emotions & from time to time, all these emotions seemed to envelope my sense of being. & it turned out that i'm still stuck in the spot, where i was in the very beginning. i'm still in love with him.

this blog is about my secret affair with a 37 years old man who is infact 17 years apart from me. & eventually, our affair was discovered by his 32 years old wife. whatever follows in the process will have to wait till my next blog entry. i know it sounds incredibly unbelievable, rather like the novel story of lolita. but i swear upon my soul that every details mentioned here are only in it's truest form.

so, i am living two lives. a sane, rational & loving daughter VS a tender, erotic & compassionate lover.