i was going through my own blog & realised that i have not been writing much. there were quite a number of blog entries in draft mode - entries that i started but never seemed to finish. this is so unlike me. normally, i am able to write easily. writing about my true feelings had never been difficult. almost without any efforts most of the time & yet, words had been getting harder to form. i can't seem to be able to say anything.

& flashbacks had been occuring lately. not that often but still, it did made an impact on me. how i wished that someday i would be totally immune to our past, carefree like before. i recalled vividly the times when we would enjoy our lunch together. the times when he would drive to my school & fetched me back home. the times when he would spend a few hours solely with me after his work. i love the sweaty smell of him cause' it makes him felt even more desirable. everything had been so remarkably wonderful. i guess that is the beauty of this affair, the caramel coated chemistry that we had.

i do miss him still. even at this point. but whatever i do, there's no turning back anymore. i never regretted the last course of actions that i undertook - by sending a parcel to his wife. i know that my actions might be condemmed by him even, cause' no one would ever understand why i did it. but that's the only extreme course of action that i could make him disappear from my life totally. the only way i could stop my urge of seeing him. the only way i could make him think that i am wicked to the core. the only way all of us could march forward in life. it's for the best of everyone.

i know what i do might not be morally correct, by most people. cause' in the process, i hurt her - the wife once again. but i just wanted to let part of my guilt & temptation dissolve as well. the guilt & the temptation that had been eating me out slowly. his words doesn't matter cause' from the very point of doing it, i know the consequences. the harsh consequences of it all.

i am not an empty-brained doll after all. i just wanted to continue on my journey. without him in any part of my life. in my opinion, this action is correct & it shall remains as correct in my dictionary.